I spend a great deal of time extolling the virtues of sex toys and with good reason. While fingers, tongues, penises, asses and vaginas are certainly not without their merits, toys can and will enhance your sexual experience, solo or otherwise. However, for novice buyers, and even the more experienced adult novelty shoppers, the act of purchasing a good toy can be a daunting task. After all, one hardly gets to test drive before one leaves the store, so to speak, and a good toy can set you back a pretty penny. My years of peddling porno, dildos, butt plugs, whips, chains, vibes, strap-ons, blow-up dolls and other instruments of pleasure has given me a certain amount of expertise in this department — expertise which I now bestow upon you in a handy set of five rules for buying your first, second, or thousandth sex toy.
1. Don’t be a pansy. Going in to a sex shop and being a squeamish, shy, and giggling mess, or worse, avoiding the store all together, will get you nowhere. As one 2004 study by Anthony F. Bogaert indicates, there is a 99% chance that you are a sexual being. Wanting to get your rocks off is normal and anybody else in the store is well aware of that, which brings us to…
2. Talk to the salesperson. He or she is the best resource at your disposal and, again, being shy will only hurt you. This person sells sex toys to pay the rent; realistically, what the fuck do you have to hide from them? Tell them what you’re looking for. Ask questions. Get them to show you several different models and explain the features of each. Don’t judge a book by its cover and don’t judge a butt plug by its packaging.
3. Make sure you buy quality materials. Never, ever, ever purchase jelly toys. Oftentimes, these “jelly” materials contain phthalates, a plasticizer that might cause fucking CANCER. I think it goes without saying that one should not put potentially cancer-causing things in or around one’s junk. Oh, and they’re porous, will probably grow scary bacteria, at which point they will make your genitals burn. Silicone, glass, TPR, or metal toys are much safer and come in a variety of shapes and sizes.
4. Don’t be cheap. You get what you pay for and sex toys are no exception. If you buy no-name macaroni, it will taste like no-name macaroni. If you buy a $10 dollar vibrator, it will feel like a $10 vibrator. Save up a little extra dough for a great toy — you’re worth it, baby.
5. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. So a toy you bought didn’t work for you. Don’t give up! This doesn’t mean that you don’t like toys at all, this means you didn’t like THAT toy. Remember that time you went out with that guy/girl and you really connected, but then the sex sucked, so you decided to move on? It’s like that.
The most important part of the process, of course, is to have fun. You’re not shopping for home insurance, goddammit, so enjoy yourself — especially once you’ve left the store.
By E-Z Breezy
Illustration: Jarett Sitter