HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS IF YOU USED TO BE A SERIAL KILLER
Sure, these villains were getting top dollar in height of their respective films’ popularity, but what happened when the lights went out? Most were left scanning through the classifieds in a recession-riddled America, not sure where their next meal would come from. Well, there are plenty of good job opportunities for these living legends, provided they promise to be on their best behaviour.
Jason Voorhees – New Canucks Backup Goalie
Everyone knows Jason Voorhees for his goalie mask, and it would be no surprise if the veteran boogeyman had a few skills in net. Besides, he has probably the most hardcore hockey mom on his side, breathing down the opponents’ necks. He is seemingly unstoppable, and presumably has a good stick hand, after years of yielding his signature machete. After eight seasons he could be moved to New York where he will certainly “take Manhattan.”
Michael Myers – Mechanic
As the Fugees once said, “everybody wears the mask” and no one knows that better than Illinois’ native son, Michael Myers. He already wears cover-alls, is never late for work (although work generally implies murdering people) and isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, so a mechanic doesn’t seem too far off. Plus living in a major a transportation hub near the Port of Chicago and O’Hare International airport, work would be easy to come by, even by today’s standards.
Leatherface – Logger
The obvious employ for this Lonestar lunatic would be butcher, but I think after decades in the business he would approve of a career change. Logging might be the perfect switch, and Leatherface is definitely good with a chainsaw. A move to the Pacific Northwest would be a good reprieve from the arid heat of the southwest, and might moisturize his skin…mask. If the work proves to be too labourious, he could always fall back on semi-professional timber sports.
Freddy Krueger – Landscaper
Working with children is definitely a no for Mr. Kruger, but that shouldn’t dissuade him from finding work in life post-serial killer. Freddy has experience in the world of maintenance, so landscaping should be a good fit for him. His fedora will block the sun’s harmful rays from his already sensitive skin, and there is no doubt those gloves would do wonders on a cedar hedge. Plus as an added bonus, he can manicure any lawn that may be causing you trouble in your dreams.
Hannibal Lector – Telemarketer
The world’s most nefarious fava bean enthusiast is most likely barred from the world of psychiatry, and we’re sure that his reputation precedes him. Well any man who has the ability to convince a man to swallow his own tongue shouldn’t have much problem selling timeshares to Southerners. Plus, he is a seasoned traveller with a vast knowledge of wine and a penchant for good taste. He could work on being a little less creepy though…
By Jordan Cook
