As Valentine’s Day draws near, a majority of people fall in to three camps: coupled-up people with anxiety, single people with anxiety and the people who are completely ambivalent. Regardless of how you feel about February 14, I have a few tips to ensure that you survive and perhaps even enjoy it this year.
1. Lingerie is not an appropriate gift. Could you be any more selfish? It says, “Well, I understand that the convention is to buy gifts for significant other on Valentine’s Day, but we both know the only reason I’m observing this so-called holiday is to get laid.” And really, do you want to deal with the repercussions if you get something disgusting and tacky or — gasp! — the wrong size? Women and men with a taste for fine undergarments should buy that shit for themselves.
2. On that note, make sure when purchasing gifts that you’re considering the person for whom you’re buying them. How teddy bears and heart-shaped boxes full of crappy chocolates became the conventional V-Day gift is beyond me, but unless a fondness for chocolate and stuffed animals is the most interesting thing about your partner, you can do better. Grab tickets to a show by a band you know she likes, or buy him a book you know he’d love.
3. Tailor your date to the person with whom you are going on the date. Don’t default to dinner out or traditional, “romantic” candlelit settings if that’s not what you’re into. Go on a brewery tour, or go see a play, or spend the day snowboarding.
4. Avoid eating a big meal if you plan on getting laid. Roly-poly, bloated, garlic-scented post-feasting sex isn’t good for anyone.
5. Don’t be a whiny bitch about Valentine’s Day. If the phrase “Hallmark holiday” leaves your lips, you are nothing but a whiny bitch. Hating Valentine’s Day does not make you more interesting or intellectual and accusing companies of exploiting Valentine’s Day would be like accusing liquor manufacturers of exploiting Saint Patrick’s Day, or accusing firework manufacturers of making the best of Canada Day. It’s like pointing out that water is wet. It’s nice that we set aside a day every year to appreciate those we love; don’t be such a fucking curmudgeon.
6. Don’t be tempted to utilize your booty call. Valentine’s Day is not a great day for no-strings attached sex and it’s important to never blur the lines in a sex-only relationship. A good booty call is a precious thing.
7. Let go of high expectations. Be happy to spend time with the people you care about and you shouldn’t expect your partner to pull down the moon and stars because it happens to be February 14th.
8. Don’t get loser drunk. It’s tempting, particularly if you’re single, to spend Valentine’s Day getting drunk with other single folks, but getting wasted on Valentine’s Day is tempting fate. You might find yourself drunk-dialling your ex or going home with a stranger because you are overcome by a fit of Valentines blues. If you’re in a relationship, drunkenness should be avoided for one very simple reason: whiskey dick.
9. Never, EVER mention Steak and a Blowjob Day. It is not a real thing and the whole, “you got yours and in a month I’ll get mine,” mentality is just plain douchey. Actually, just don’t be a douche.
Have a happy Valentine’s Day whether you spend it with loved ones or friends and, in the case of the former, don’t forget to put out!
By E-Z Breezy
Illustration: Jarett Sitter