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Call Me by Your Name, A Slow Simmering Love Story

Call Me by Your Name, A Slow Simmering Love Story

by Hogan Short VANCOUVER – Luca Guadagnino’s Call Me by Your Name is about seventeen year old Elio (Timothée Chalamet,…


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Monday 11th, March 2013 / 22:20


Human beings are pretty cool creatures: the sheer amount of physical variance in terms of colouring, height, weight, shape, etc. from person to person is pretty much unheard of in any other species. However, one of the stranger ways we vary is in genital size. Doesn’t it make evolutionary sense to have a one-size-fits-all standard in that particular area? Don’t we have enough areas of our body to feel insecure about without worrying about an inadequate penis or a wide-set vagina? And make no mistake, no matter how many times she assures you that “It’s not the size, it’s how you use it,” or he maintains radio silence on the state of your vagina because that’s not even a thing people discuss, size does matter.

According to some data, in spite of the fact that the average size of a man’s penis is in the neighbourhood of 5.75 inches long and 3.9 inches in circumference, women report the perfect penis size at 8 inches by 6 inches. Not only is that a huge deviation from realistic expectations about size, but it means that there are only a handful of perfect dicks out there.

Conversely, everything the populations of men on the Internet who spend time talking about such things have to say about vaginas comes down to notion that there are a few that are too tight, a few that are too loose and the rest of them are perfect. Actually though, women vary as much inside as men. This raises the question of why men are constantly comparing their junk and women are perpetually discussing dick size in hushed tones over cosmopolitans (because girls totally do that, right?), but we never talk about lady parts the same way. I have three theories about why this may be.

Penis size is equated with masculinity and we live in a society where that is encouraged among men, whereas a woman rarely has her femininity called into biological question, unless she is unable to bear children.

Many straight men are slobbering fools when it comes to spending time with the ladies, so they just look at a vagina and think, “Warm! Wet!” and are contented.

The most likely answer, however, is that because the vagina and accompanying bits and pieces are largely internal, we never have to think about it. We take for granted the fact that our vaginas are probably about the right, normal size because we have no basis for comparison and if you’re generous enough to let someone have access to yours, they will rarely offer a commentary on the relative merits of your lady-flower.

One of the most aggravating things about this entire debate is the fact that you’re pretty much stuck with what you’re born with, short of taking the surgical route. I guess the important thing to take from this is that if you have a tiny penis, you should probably go to work on being a really nice, funny person.

By EZ Breezy
Illustration: Jarett Sitter

  • “women report the perfect penis size at 8 inches by 6 inches. Not only is that a huge deviation from realistic expectations about size, but it means that there are only a handful of perfect dicks out there.” — That made me laugh waaaay too loud. Thanks for helping me wake the neighbors!

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