Bodily fluids. Just seeing those two words together is enough to elicit a shudder from deep within my soul, but if there is one bodily fluid that I would least like to run into in a public washroom, on a hand railing, inside of a Supersoaker, or floating atop my hangover-curing morning Gatorade, it would have to be the coalition of substances known as semen.
I objectively understand that semen has a vital role in the continuation of life on earth and that nothing produced by orgasms can be evil. Yet, I was shocked and awed to find out how many creative uses some are finding for semen — until I remembered that nothing shocks or awes me anymore. So, with equal measures of delight and horror, I present to you the top five most unusual uses for human semen.
1. Face cream. Do you ever have days where you look into the mirror at a pimple or uneven skin and think, “I should slap some jizz on that?” It’s been touted as an “ancient Chinese beauty secret,” but I’m still pretty convinced that it’s probably just a line from some clever guy who wanted to give his girlfriend a facial. One company, the not-so-subtly named Cmen Beauty, advertises itself for discretely delivering pure, quality-inspected man juice to your door as facial cream, but if you want to save some money, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding a willing donor.
2. Naturopathic Medicine. Although most of the studies associated with claims of medical benefits stemming from semen consumption are still relatively new and contested, some evidence suggests that it can assist with ovulation control, act as an anti-depressant and even aid in the fight against morning sickness for pregnant women. However, telling a woman that ejaculate is the answer to their problems may turn out risky for your own health.
3. Victuals and Libations. 2012’s self-published title Natural Harvest is a full-colour tour through the magical world of cooking with semen. Claiming, “you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen”, and boasting recipes for food and drink, such as the “Almost White Russian” and “Roasted Lamb with Good Gravy,” the preview made me want to wash my eyeballs in bleach.
4. Information Storage. A breakthrough by a team of Harvard and Johns Hopkins geneticists has introduced the possibility of data storage that utilizes DNA to encode enormous quantities of digital information. It could encode 455 exabytes per gram of single-stranded genetic code, or in layman’s terms, a metric fucktonne. The whole thing is over my Arts-majoring head, but all your ill-considered dick pics and embarrassingly large collection of animated BDSM granny porn could one day be stored in spunk. Behold, the future!
5. Invisible Ink. During World War I, an enterprising British military intelligence official discovered that semen could be effective as invisible ink. The availability and fact that it did not react to primary methods of detection was ideal, resulting in something like an even porn-ier James Bond.
What a rich source for those looking to re-purpose the remains of la petite mort. Now, who wants a romantic love letter composed entirely in splooge? Anybody?
By E-Z Breezy
Illustration: Jarett Sitter