Compared to winter, summer can seem like a mythical beast we’ve collectively conjured up as a kick-ass coping mechanism, with things like rafting, patio drinking, and festival-going. Thoughts of snow, scarves and frostbitten nether regions can now be tucked away as focus shifts to more pressing issues, like getting laid. In honour of the commencement of festival sex season, allow me to offer a few tips for making the best of it.
Resist expectations. Those who go without expecting sex have the most fun. People can sense the miasma of misguided lust, so if you simply venture forth to have a blast, you’re far more likely to encounter someone worth taking home, or at least to the nearest dark corner.
Watch your booze intake. You’re probably going to drink. In fact, you’re probably going to drink a lot. You might drink more between the days of June 19th and 22nd alone than what a doctor would condone for a whole year, but don’t try to have sex after 18 beers. You’ll be bad at it and who ever you’re doing it with will be bad at it and you’ll wake up smelling like Jameson and regret.
Protect your junk. The time you had a whirlwind romance with a manic pixie dream-girl or dashing intellectual fellow with an epic moustache, hopping from show to show, shotgunning PBR in an alley and fucking until well after the sun has risen, will make for a fond memory you may treasure for years to come. That time you got a case of Stampede Syphilis will not. Carry condoms and hand them out to other people! As everyone knows, the Condom Fairy is the most popular guest at any after-party.
Be smart about public trysts. The sense of elation and freedom one feels while in the festival vortex can lead to some questionable decisions. A heady mixture of adrenaline, booze and raging hormones might set in and if you’ve found a lucky lady or gentleman whose pants you would like to remove, they may start to convince you that the alley, bathroom, or poorly-lit corridor behind the dumpster is a perfectly acceptable place to mess around. This is probably not true. While at the time it seems adventurous and sexy, people you know will probably see you and you can bet your bare ass they will remember, even if they can recall nothing else from the night.
Don’t harass the musicians. Everyone knows that the hotness quotient of any given individual goes up exponentially the second they have an instrument in hand. It’s a mathematical certainty. However, as tempting as it may be to want to show Calgary’s unparalleled hospitality to visiting musicians, perhaps with your genitals, remember kids: they’re people, too. By all means, flirt, be kind, be friendly, and if reciprocal interest exists, have all kinds of sex — but don’t harass the musicians.
Essentially, use common sense and make summer your bitch, for festival season comes but once a year.
By EZ Breezy
Illustration: Jarett Sitter