Thursday 04th, July 2013 / 11:25


I consider myself an expert in the art of being a disgusting glutton. Honing this skill takes time, perseverance and butter — a lot of butter. One cannot simply call oneself a “glutton.” One must earn that title. And one of the best ways to do it is to go down to the Calgary Stampede and eat your way through the Midway! I wouldn’t expect you to embark on this gluttonous adventure without alcohol, so to help you along I have put together booze pairings for this year’s new Stampede treats!

First up is the Banana Bacon Ear. This abomination consists of bacon and a banana deep-fried in donut dough and drizzled in chocolate. I think the salty sweet combo calls for something that will both cut through the richness and compliment the bacon, so the obvious pairing is Bourbon! Mark my words, I will be sneaking in a flask and trying this one. The next should be the Chocolate Covered Bacon. I have had more than one Syrah from the Northern Rhone that smells just like chocolate covered bacon so why the hell not, Rhone Syrah it is!

One of the most talked about new foods, the Deep Fried Butter, is exactly what it sounds like. Cubes of butter wrapped in piecrust and deep-fried. Eating pure butter will need a spirit, so in this case we are pairing with cognac. The sweetness of the cognac should work well with the pastry, while still cutting through the butter you are eating, you sicko. The Deep Fried Doritos are a perfect match for an IPA so I am going to suggest one of my favourites right now, the 8-Wired Hop-Wired IPA from New Zealand.

Another new item, the Double Bacon Corndog, is a traditional hotdog wrapped in bacon that is deep-fried and then dipped in bacon corn batter and fried again. The whole mess is then served to you with maple syrup, bacon bits and a look of concerned disgust. There is a whole lot going on here. And when there is a whole lot going on, there is only one thing can bring it all together: the magical food pairing powers of Riesling. It will be perfect. With Riesling, it always is. The whole feast can be finished off with a slab of B52 Fudge (Baileys, Kahlua and Grand Marnier fudges stacked together) and a shot of New Deal Coffee Liqueur to call it a day.

Remember, when it comes to being a glutton, only an amateurish punk stops eating when they are “full” or “tired” or “sick.” The real gluttons know that you have to push through that shit and keep eating until you reach a state of brief euphoria followed by intense, crippling sadness. That’s the sweet spot. That is when you know you have had enough; sobbing on a park bench as tears dissolve the cotton candy in your hands.

By Jeff Jamieson