Monday 09th, June 2014 / 15:04

AB-CITY-Keepin-It-Sleazy---Photo-Credit-Karen-RobinsonBRAVE NEW WORLD FOR BANGING

The ever-flowing current of new technologies has changed the way we do just about everything in the last 70 or so years, from the way we communicate to the way we feed ourselves. It’s undeniable: modern life more closely mirrors science fiction – flying cars be damned – than it does the lives of people mere decades ago.

In many ways, these myriad innovations have offered countless improvements and amusements to those with easy access. However, this unceasing push for forward momentum has led, and more importantly is in the process of leading, society towards some sex and dating developments that are straight up – for lack of a better term – creepy as fuck. Some examples:

DNA-based dating: Up and running since about 2007, this is one method of online dating that is beginning to grow in popularity. Professing itself as a supplement to traditional matchmaking, based on shared interests, values, and traits like age and educational level, websites like analyze your genetic compatibility as well. Send off a sample and you, too, can know if you’re likely to have a successful pregnancy with that complete stranger with the cute smile!

Hologram Dating: While still very much in the theoretical stages, hologram dating is coming and it’ll be just as ridiculous as Hologram Tupac might lead you to believe. Touted as a safe alternative to meeting, you get a little one-on-one time to chat and establish compatibility without the risk. Sooo… it’s exactly what you could achieve with Skype or Facetime, only hologram.

Tinder: And the award for Creepiest Dating Innovation in Popular Use goes to… proximity-based hookup apps! The whole premise of it is just bizarre: “Here are some faces that are in a couple of miles from your face. If you like that face, swipe right!” And fair, I get it, it’s a hookup app, but for straight female users… dang. It’s just pictures of men with fish. Sometimes it’s a trout, sometimes it’s a halibut, but always with the fish. The strangest part of these men, the men with the fish, is not that they say super creepy things or start a conversation by asking you about your pubic hair situation — that’s par for the dating site course. The strange thing is that these guys expect it to rain pussy because all these women signed up for what is ostensibly a hookup app. You know what line will never get a strange woman into bed with you, regardless of context? Any sentence that alludes to her gobbling your knob.

Google Glass: Luckily, this one technology that has thus far been denounced as the item of the moment for FWNDBs (Fedora-Wearing Neckbeard Douchebags) with too much money. Its ability to surreptitiously snap photos has been heavily criticized for the creep factor, but wait, there’s more! Software developers, such as Infinity AR, are striving to create facial recognition software that will pull up data on command, such as marital status, birth date and all of the other available content on your target. It then professes to distill this information down into sound bite form so you can use their interests to lure your unsuspecting prey. Voice and facial analysis components serve to give you the occasional, “Yeah buddy, she wants the D!” encouragement if your calculated ploys seem to be having a positive effect. Ugh. Internet stalking in real time.

The Apocalypse is nigh, my friends.

By EZ Breezy
Photo: Karen Robinson