Keepin’ It Sleazy: One last peek under the covers

Monday 11th, August 2014 / 19:41
By EZ Breezy
Photo: Bryan Brenneman

Photo: Bryan Brenneman

CALGARY — A little over three years ago, I adopted my (admittedly tasteless) nom de plume and began writing Keepin’ It Sleazy. Intent on sharing the wisdom accumulated from experiences as a dildo peddler, sex-haver and unreasonably lucky collector of tales, I’ve discussed everything from threesomes to furries to feminist porn. However, as much fun as we’ve had, my tenure as BeatRoute’s resident sexpert has come to an end. I’m going to miss it. As I contemplated what topic could possibly be the right choice for my final column, I was at a loss. I’m sorry, but butt sex and the finer points of lubricant selection just weren’t going to cut it. Instead, I’m going to take this opportunity to offer some bits of advice I didn’t have the opportunity to share before.

“Leagues” don’t exist. By extension, nobody is “out of your league.” If you’re a physical four who wants to fuck 10s, guess what? Not everybody is as shallow as you and I! There are indeed people who will appreciate your lame puns, impeccable grammar and whatever other qualities make you you — so much that they will want to touch your genitals. These people will range across the spectrum of intelligence, physical attractiveness and talent. They will astound you with their humour, their capacity for kindness, or their passion for what they do. For whatever reason, these people will still want to fuck your sorry ass. Stop dwelling on the notion that you are in some sort of sexual caste that makes you undeserving of those you insist on putting on a pedestal.

Have the conversations about what does and does not work for you early on. The sooner you overcome that awkward “getting to know your body” barrier and move on to sweet, sweet lovin’ — or, not so sweet, whatever you prefer — the better.

Light bondage play is the perfect gateway for couples looking to explore kink — start there with the help of Google and your ugly Christmas ties. Plus, your newfound knot-tying skills may save your life should you ever end up in a treacherous situation wherein you are forced to survive in the wild. Knowledge is power!

Sex is important in romantic relationships. If you aren’t attracted to a person and you don’t share chemistry, your relationship is almost certain to fail. So, you have this person in your life whose company you enjoy, who you care about and you don’t want to have sex with them. I swear there’s a word for relationships like that… oh yeah! Friendship! The perfect romantic relationship is essentially one where you have a best friend you get to have hot sex with. Don’t settle for less.

(Most) women like and want sex as much as (most) men. Sex is not a weapon or a negotiation tactic for my gender, only “yes” means yes.

Respect the people you sleep with. Whether for a night, a season, or a lifetime, the people who consent to share that aspect of themselves with you are deserving of your respect.

BONUS: If you are going to engage in anal play, the key is lube, lube, lube! I recommend silicone-based varietals for this purpose, though a high-quality water-based number will suffice. Fuck off with that cheap shit, man.

And with that, I wish all the lovers, perverts and deviants who have read my column over these special years a lifetime of joy and top-quality orgasms. EZ Breezy out!

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