British Columbia

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Vanpooper: Rating the best (and worst) of Vancouver’s public toilets

Monday 13th, October 2014 / 00:00
By Michelle Hanley

VANCOUVER — I am on a mission. A mission to make every Vancouverite use the bathroom more comfortably. In this new feature I will be reviewing various public toilets around the city to let you know the best and worst places to drop a deuce.

Kingsgate Mall

KingsgateMallRating: 1/5

1outof5

I love this place to bits. I love the old ladies at the Keno tables. I love the vast selection of modestly priced shoes at Payless. I love scouring the discount bin at Shoppers Drug Mart. I love the liquor store and its well-stocked supply of Baby Duck. I love the Kingsgate Mall! But I do not love their toilets. The first time I ever used the bathroom here as a youth, there was a yellow condom floating in the toilet. Classic Kingsgate! You’ll often find people crying in here and today I stepped on a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The stalls are terribly cramped and if you dare use the spacious handicap stall, angry women with strollers will yell at you. I give them a generous rating of one turd out of five for the recent installation of a high-powered hand dryer. It’s pretty impressive. And way to be environmentally friendly or whatever.

JJ Bean (Commercial Drive)

JJBean2Rating: 2/5

2outof5

This is the most popular location of one of Vancouver’s largest chain of coffee shops and I think it’s safe to say it’s the most popular bathroom as well. There is consistently a long line of liberal, dreadlocked Commercial Drive folk waiting for the keys to the toilet. These bathrooms are average at best. Clearly suffering from overuse. The walls are worn from years of graffiti but the bathrooms also have some endearing details like the vintage coffee cans as light fixtures. Cute!

I’ve heard some stories from the staff. One time a dude called and told the barista, “I think I left my…medicine…in a brown paper bag in the bathroom.” Mushrooms. It was a bag of mushrooms. And legend has it that once a guy went into the bathroom with an afro and left without one.

Commercial Drive! What a place to be alive!

The Bay (6th Floor)

TheBay2Rating: 4/5

4outof5

The intersection of Georgia and Granville has many great bathroom options, but this particular one is the most charming. Don’t waste your time with the busy bathrooms in the perfume or hosiery departments of The Bay and head to the top floor men’s department. Nobody uses the women’s washrooms here and they are gorgeous. The interior is reminiscent of a 1950s mental hospital. I feel glamorous. Like Sylvia Plath taking a shit. The room is spacious with tall windows and the pink tile floors add an elegant and feminine touch. My only complaint was the lack of soap in my soap dispenser. C’est la vie.

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Alberta

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