By Michelle Hanley
The Electric Owl
I stopped by The Electric Owl recently to check out the super fun and totally fantastic BeatRoute Christmas show featuring Shannon and The Clams. The show was top-notch, but the state of the toilets at this venue certainly wasn’t.
These bathrooms are all sorts of messed up. The place was flooded and the toilets were leaking. Beer cans littered the floor. I’m glad I didn’t have to drop a deuce because three of the stalls I went to were out of TP and I was not in the mood to wipe with an old Shoppers Drug Mart receipt. The strangest thing about these washrooms are the weird mats on the ground next to the stalls. There’s usually a gaggle of drunk girls sitting on them taking selfies and stuff, but I can only imagine how many people have done sex things on them. Gross.
The toilets at The Electric Owl are not a hoot. One poop out of five.
In this spaces former life it was the home to both HMV and the Virgin Megastore. A place I have many fond memories of. I spent countless hours of my youth waiting in lines to get autographs from members of popular mid-2000s emo bands there. I recall sneaking out of the house to buy CDs right when they came out at midnight so I could be the first to listen to it. Those were the days! Now it’s an underwear store.
I was very sad to see this place become a Victoria’s Secret, until I pooped there. This is, hands down, one of the best toilets in the city, and it’s unknown to virtually everyone but the employees. It’s hard to find, tucked away next to the elevators on the lower level, but it’s worth finding. It’s glamorous: floor-to-ceiling stalls; moisturizing soaps; marble floors; it’s dark and romantic. It’s the kind of place I imagine a dude might receive a sad hand job from his mistress that he’s buying expensive lace thongs for.
The best thing about this place is that it smells so strongly of cheap perfume, there’s no way anyone could ever smell your poop! Five poops out of five.
Bon’s Off Broadway
A meal at Bon’s after a night of drinking is a right of passage for any proper Vancouverite. The greasy $2.95 breakfast special is the perfect cure for even the worst hangover. You can’t beat the ambience that this place offers: the movie posters; the graffittied walls; the endless coffee refills; the asshole always playing Big Shiny Tunes 4 on the jukebox. This place has it all!
But the bathrooms are gross. Like, really gross. They’re the kinds of toilets you hover over because you don’t want your butt to touch anything. They probably have never been cleaned. It has one of those cloth towel dispensers that everyone has dried their disgusting hands with. Its walls are absolutely covered with some wildly entertaining graffiti. Some personal favourites include “SHAMBHALA SOUL SISTERS 4 LIFE” and “I tried to have sex on a bunk bed with no mattress last night.”
Bon’s Off Broadway: stay for the charming decor and the cheap eats; take a dump somewhere else. One poop out of five.BC, Bon's Off Broadway, British Columbia, doo doo, Electric Owl, poop, shit, toilets, Victoria's Secret