By Team BeatRoute
BeatRoute’s definitive list – the only one you’ll need
CALGARY — The award show that contends to be the final word on all those movies you meant to see last year gets underway on February 22 – rendering all of those other “best picture” awards handed out during award season irrelevant. What’s that, Boyhood? You won the Golden Globe for Best Picture? Well, it’s all for naught if Birdman takes home the trophy. Sorry, it’s the way it goes. Start lobbying for that MTV Movie Award.
There’s just something about the Academy Awards – it’s bloated, no fun at all, and gets awards wrong every year – but it’s the big one. It’s why every entertainment outlet publishes the obligatory, done-to-death, unoriginal “prediction” article, utterly uninteresting and of no significance – wait, what’s this?
BEST PICTURE (by Joel Dryden)
WHO SHOULD WIN:
Boyhood. I can’t get over it. Did you hear about this movie Boyhood? They filmed it annually over 12 years with the same cast as the boy grew up. That means that they started filming it the year Spider-Man came out. Spider-Man ONE. There have been, like, nine Spider-Man movies since then.
WHO WILL WIN:
Boyhood. Book it. Have you heard of this movie, Boyhood?
BEST SCREENPLAY (by Gareth Watkins)
WHO SHOULD WIN:
Guardians of the Galaxy. In 2014, we were all Groot. Director James Gunn and writer Nicole Perlman took D-list Marvel anti-heroes and made a summer blockbuster as perfect as Ghostbusters or Independence Day.
Could you make a bad story out of the lives of Alan Turing, Stephen Hawking or John Du Pont? Is that even possible? Not even a little. Making a crowd-pleaser that isn’t crass or pandering, that feels as though it’s the vision of a human being and not an extended toy commercial takes genuine talent. In the wrong hands this would have been John Carter of Mars, but a bunch of no-name a-holes with 12 per cent of a plan got a movie they in no way warranted and it turned out to be the best thing about the summer.
WHO WILL WIN:
The Imitation Game. Tension, romance and a lead with a charming developmental disorder? Can’t lose.
BEST DIRECTOR (by Colin Gallant)
Lars von Trier. The self-deluded pageant show known as the Oscars approaches, meaning only one thing: art-starved infidels will once again spit in the face of The Greatest Man To Ever Live, more commonly known as Lars von Trier. While no von Trier film can be deemed anything less than indispensable, Nymphomaniac was truly the apex of both his ambition and Heavenly Larsliness. Not enough genital mutilation you say? Too little explicitly bigoted trolling? Nonsense! From the outright pedophilia to Shia LaBeouf’s refusal to commit to an accent, this one has it all. Larsy even used real porn actors for penetration integrity! No artist is this committed to audience torture in the name of art, and really, isn’t that the point of cinema?
Wes Anderson for The Grand Budapest Hotel. Because y’all eat that corny, whimsical shit up like hotcakes. Shame on you. Shame on everyone you ever knew!
BONUS: Academy Award Nominations for Best Animated Character (by Sarah Kitteringham)
1. Vitruvius from The LEGO Movie
2. Lord Business from The LEGO Movie
3. Smaug from the The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
4. Unikitty from The LEGO Movie
5. Nazgûl from The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Here we have two films: one that was atrociously awful save for the first 10 minutes, in which a
magnificent, malignant dragon burns down a city only to get a black arrow through his chest, and another which would have swept the Oscars if it weren’t for the Academy’s seeming prejudice for a movie based on tiny toys that bludgeon the bottom portion of your feet. The LEGO Movie was undoubtedly the best animated film of the year, a shockingly intelligent piece that lambasted consumerism and the increasing influence of government over individuals’ lives while championing individualism and competency. The quips were whip fast; not only were we gifted with sparkling wit, but with strong, whimsical characters. With the final instalment of The Hobbit, we were given a steaming pile of masturbatory garbage that included multiple scenes pulled from the Appendix of The Return of the King. Ham fisted and quite frankly insulting to intelligence, any fan of The Hobbit (the book) was cringing, save for the first 10 minutes (which would have been better lumped on at the end of the second film, The Desolation of Smaug) and the brief moment in which the amazing Nazgûl made a unnecessary, although visually engaging, appearance. It’s a tough one…. but Smaug wins here, if only because DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGONS.