By Samantha Blondtron Matthews
VANCOUVER — Full disclosure, this was supposed to be a dating guide. Having recently re-entered the dating pool after a yearlong relationship, I began to realize that I’ve turned into a workaholic-hermit crab and I don’t know shit about getting out there date-wise. I recently learned I could check my travel patterns through my location services history on my iPhone and it was pretty fucking pathetic. Airport, my couch, studio, yoga, my three best friends’ houses and the odd adventure to a new taco spot. I went to Kerrisdale for the first time a year ago to buy a pillow and I’ve never been back. My point is; if Tinder didn’t exist, my opposable thumbs and vagina would be a complete waste of human evolution. The only guy I’ve met in real life was some guy named Todd. Literally, he’s in my phone as IRL TODD. He had two speeds, jack hammer and stare into space with a dumb look on his face. Grim.
One thing I’ve noticed about both men and women is that what we think will attract the opposite sex is often really far off the mark of what actually does attract the opposite sex. In a way, somebody posting dumb shit is a great way to find out that you aren’t going to get along, but I’ve met some really rad guys that are just slightly misguided. Even some of my very best guy friends that are total catches have been offenders of the following tips. Now don’t get pissy about this being one-sided. I’m a red-blooded female that loves men, but through my research I’ve discovered a lot of stupid shit girls do too (dancers pose at the beach, your hip is out of line and that’s some basic bitch shit). We’ll have to save that for next month. For now let’s start with DUDE TINDER TIPS:
PUT DOWN THE FISH. PUT IT DOWN. On some primal level deep in my body, I’m very pleased to know you’re a provider but this doesn’t need to be the first thing I know about you. In the same way I don’t want the dead rat my old roommate’s cat brought in and plopped at my feet I’m not swiping right for your bleeding salmon and form flattering hip waders.
SHIRTLESS MIRROR SELFIES. So not only have you not figured out that there are timer apps you can download for free on your phone but that you think this is your best feature. Hey, maybe this is your best feature. I fucking hope not, though. Don’t get me wrong, I love to see that you’re in shape, but do you have any casual pictures of you at the beach? Playing sports? Doing anything other than standing in your mom’s basement suite flexing for your phone? Women are attracted to confidence more than physical fitness. If you have both, AWOOGA. Show you being you when you’re at your best. You’ll shine so much brighter than that toothpaste-spit-covered-washboard reflection of desperation.
LIVE. LOVE. LAUGH. DIE. What-fucking-ever. Really? You like living life? Me too, breathing is awesome, totally dude. Your quotes about how much you love life and how you’re outgoing and how each day counts is draining my lady river. *puh* DUST. You know what your stupid tag line reminds me of? My mom’s quote covered fridge. Keep it short, Google a funny tag-line. Most people enjoy not being dead, we get it.
LEARN HOW TO CROP YOUR PHOTOS. Woah man, that’s your forehead and your eyeball and the top of your nose, looks good, nicely done, I see you have lots of pores too. Cool.
GROUP PICS. I’m gonna assume you’re the fucking jerkoff holding up the shocker.
TOTALLY EXTREME! MOUNTAIN BIKING! SNOWBOARDING! JUMPING OFF A CLIFF! What do you fucking look like? This is an app where you find people nearby you are attracted to. Your bros aren’t checking your Tinder. I’m checking your Tinder, you gnar-pow-shredding taint.
PARTY ON, WAYNE. Woah dude! Are you totally wasted! Crazy! Is that a shotski? No way! Thank god for Tinder because how would I ever have found you? Oh wait, at a bar. Right.
KILLER GUN DUDE! I can’t wait for you to murder me with it.
IS THAT YOUR FERRARI? Probably not. Oh it is? So you sell drugs, Ohhh, you’re a successful entrepreneur? But your penis is the same size as your belly button? There’s no right swipe out of this situation.
BE YOURSELF. Oh you’ve heard that before? Well this goes for fucking everyone. You think I don’t know how cliché this is but I do. The thing is, most people are still lying pieces of shit that can’t stand themselves because they don’t know the answer to this question. Being yourself doesn’t mean you have to know who you are! We’re all figuring it out. Just stop saying you’re a photographer when you’re a barback living in the solarium of an overpriced condo. I’m not interested in getting to know the expensive SLR your parents got you for Christmas and what you think this says about you. I’m all for positive intention, but I’m fucking sick of everyone thinking this is an excuse to live their vision-boarding lies. ‘I work at a mall kiosk but this is what I’m passionate about and this is what I’m working towards.’ Your current situation isn’t what defines you, but your inflated sense of self isn’t you either.
Swipe ya later,
xo – BlondtronBC, British Columbia, guys guide to Tinder, happenis, Tinder