Vanpooper – Log #8: Rating the best (and worst) of Vancouver’s public toilets

Thursday 21st, May 2015 / 03:00
By Michelle Hanley

VANCOUVER —

Shangri-la Hotel

SHANGRILA1-VANPOOPERRating: 5/5

The Shangri-la Hotel has the distinction of being Vancouver’s tallest building. It also houses a Burberry store, a spa, and a $20-million penthouse, so naturally it’s the best place to take a dump.

The bathrooms here are fancy as hell. Each individual stall is a gorgeous, high-ceilinged private room with a chandelier of its very own. Thats right! A goddamn chandelier to gaze at while you take the most glamourous shit of your whole life. The sink appeared to be made out of real marble, and the paper towels were pillowy and soft. The hand soap and lotions were luxurious and smelled of fine essential oils. There is nothing that did not amaze and impress this humble toilet reviewer.

Ooh la la! The Shangri-la is one fine place to poop. 5/5.

Dairy Queen

DQ1--VANPOOPERRating: 2/5

I love ice cream! But I am definitely in denial of my lactose intolerance and after eating a delicious dilly bar, a trip to the loo was needed.

The bathroom at The Dairy Queen on Hastings is particularly dingy and decrepit. I walked past the “Customers Only” sign into a dim bathroom that smelled faintly of mould and strongly of sadness. The lack of soap and paper towel was expected. The walls were smeared with a bright red substance which I am very sincerely hoping was cherry sundae sauce. The lack of customers made for a pleasant and solitary experience, but overall a mediocre trip to bathoom at best.

I scream! You scream! We all scream for ice cream! But not for these toilets. Because they suck. Dairy Queen. 2/5.

Value Village on Hastings

VALUEVILLAGE1--VANPOOPERRating: 1/5

This V.V. boutique attracts the coolest freaks. On this particular visit, a strange man with a mullet and a fanny pack hissed at me as I was flipping through cardigans next to a woman with a parrot on her shoulder.

But anyway, the toilet! It is so much more horrifying than I ever imagined. Upon entering I noticed that the door was broken. There was no mirror. The soap dispenser was broken and a mysterious bag of pink goo that I suspect was soap lay on the ground. The toilet was clogged. Bodily fluids and solids were on the floor and walls. God bless the poor soul who has to clean this mess of a bathroom because it is a disgusting nightmare.

I’d rather poop in a second-hand crock pot. 1/5.

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