By Kathleen McGee
VANCOUVER — When I was nine years old I asked my mom if I could be a hooker for Halloween. I had just seen Pretty Woman and I thought a hooker was a pretty girl who wore cool clothes and didn’t kiss on the lips. To me then, and still to this day, that sounded like an amazing job. I remember my mom asking me if I knew what a hooker was. I didn’t. My mother informed me that a hooker was a lady who let a man do whatever he wanted to her. Since I was a child the worst thing I could think of was to ask if that meant burning cigarettes into her arm. My mom, dodging a bullet, said yes. I didn’t want to be a hooker after that. However, I’m pretty sure I ended up being a Can Can dancer from the Moulin Rouge that year. Now that I think about it, that’s just like an old fashioned stripper…my mom had a lot to deal with.
Choosing the right Halloween costume is not easy. There are many factors including comfort, how much skin you’re willing to show, and cost, just to name a few. Here are a few of my past Halloween hits and misses that can help you choose the perfect costume this holiday season.
The Last Minute Costume: There comes a time when you transition from kid’s Halloween to adult’s Halloween, depending on how sheltered you were. I grew up in a middle/upper class neighbourhood called Crestwood in Edmonton. I was sheltered. I didn’t really get drunk for the first time until high school and we still trick or treated into our teens. Halloween in Grade 9 was still up in the air. I didn’t know if I was going to stay a kid or go party with mini adults. I hadn’t had my first taste of alcohol yet, and I was a fat kid so I chose trick or treating. That meant I had to make a last minute costume. My mom had recently made my dad crack and buy a new dishwasher because he finally admitted he couldn’t fix the old one. The dishwasher box was perfect! I could be a TOASTER! I was a weird kid. I remember covering it with tinfoil and drawing the buttons on, using an ice cream pail lid for the handle. I even made toast to come up out of the top next to my head. I know what you’re thinking, this sounds like the greatest costume of all time! It was actually the worst. Being a toaster at a junior high dance was impossible. Everyone kept bumping into me and the toast coming out of the top acted like blinders and made it impossible for me to see what was next to me. To make matters worse no one knew what I was and, as a person that always wanted people to get the joke, this was extremely frustrating. I remember screaming “I’m a toaster!” to the eighth old lady that asked if I was a robot. I am sorry about that. Functionality is so important in a good Halloween costume and being too subtle won’t work either. Remember the majority of humans are not going to get your subtle joke.
The Sexy Costume: I am in no way against this. I think that if you want to be sexy at Halloween, you’re like most of the population. This is a chance for you to run around in your panties and win prizes for it. All I’m saying is, if you’re going to be slutty, try and be smart, scary, or funny with it. I was a sexy Minnie Mouse one year. I carried and finished a “Mickey” of vodka that night. You’re right to think I’m hilarious and a super good time. If you want to be a sexy French maid, be a zombie one. If you want to be a sexy cheerleader, be a pregnant one. I’ve heard some men say the sexiest a woman can be is when she’s pregnant. That’s why I was a pregnant woman for Halloween last year. Also because I didn’t have to wear spanks. Needless to say, I did not get laid.
The Clever Costume: You came up with the idea in June. You’ve never planned this far in advance but this idea is just too hilarious not to. No one else will be as smart as you. You spent months collecting and crafting the costume, giggling like a mad scientist. Halloween night comes and there are three other “Cereal Killers” at the party. The moral of the story is never over-estimate your cleverness because the costume was probably on Pintrest in January.
All in all, Halloween is the best night of the year. It’s the only holiday that stays fun even when you’re an adult. Just remember that as an adult there is something you really need to think about when choosing a costume. Do you want to be sexy Little Bo Peep or Thor doing the walk of shame through downtown? Good luck finding the costume that is right for you this year.BC, British Columbia, Halloween, Halloween costumes, Kathleen McGee