Vanpooper – Log #12: Rating the best (and worst) of Vancouver’s public toilets

Thursday 19th, November 2015 / 04:00
By Michelle Hanley

VANCOUVER —

Starbucks – Granville and Georgia

Starbucks

Starbucks

2/5

Starbucks

Starbucks

Guys! Fall is here, and I like, totally can’t even. It’s the season for stepping on crunchy leaves in your Ugg boots and wearing cozy sweaters and, of course, drinking pumpkin spice lattes! Every year I somehow succumb to the PSL pressure and visit a local Starbucks and drink one to remind myself of how truly disgusting they are. Why do you people drink these cups of vaguely pumpkin coloured garbage water? Seriously though, it looks like a cup of hot baby diarrhea.

While waiting for my latte, I paid a visit to the bathroom and I was not impressed. It was very grimy. Toilet paper littered the floor. The only roll in the bathroom was nearly empty and sitting loose on top of the dispenser, which is a major no-no. How many people had their poopy hands all over this roll of toilet paper? Gross! This is a very high traffic location, so I do have some sympathy. But I’d rather drink another pumpkin spice latte than use this bathroom again.

Safeway – Commercial and Broadway

Safeway1

Safeway

1/5

Safeway

Safeway

The Safeway at Commercial and Broadway is open until midnight and is where I do all my drunk grocery shopping. I’ve used this bathroom out of desperation a few times, with each experience being more horrifying than the last. On my most recent trip to buy Dunkaroos and Pizza Pops (because I am a responsible adult woman), I ran out screaming from this bathroom. I won’t get into details, but I will say this: Poop. Was. Everywhere.

The whole room is covered in weird stainless steel. It is what I imagine a morgue looks like, but with a disgusting toilet in the middle of it. It smells so strongly of urine, all the time. This bathroom makes me so anxious that my butt hole clenches up immediately upon entering. I also heard rumours that someone died in here once. Unless you want your butt haunted by toilet ghosts, I would not recommend.

The Four Seasons – Pacific Centre Mall

Four Seasons

Four Seasons

4/5

Four Seasons

Four Seasons

My love for fancy hotel lobby bathrooms knows no boundaries. The toilets at The Four Seasons are especially ideal because the hotel is connected to the Pacific Centre Mall. When that 15 minute wait at the Apple Store turns into two hours, stop by the bathrooms at The Four Seasons to relieve yourself. So much nicer than the washrooms in the mall food court.

I walked up the escalator in the hotel lobby to the washrooms and they were very lovely: Spacious floor-to-ceiling stalls and wooden accents. Everything was incredibly clean. But, as I was enjoying this glamorous poo, a ladybug flew into my face, which caused me to let out a strange scream while in the stall, followed by a mumbled awkward apology. How the hell did a ladybug even get into the bathroom at the goddamn Four Seasons?

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Alberta

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