By Kathleen McGee
VANCOUVER — I honestly don’t think I’ve ever met someone who loves Valentine’s Day. We all know people who go overboard on Christmas and Halloween, myself I get super festive when St. Patrick’s Day rolls around. Any chance I can get to drink green beer and tell people to kiss me because I’m kinda Irish is a great holiday to me. Valentine’s Day, however, has to be one of the worst days we as humans celebrate. I know it’s been said a million times but why do we need a designated day? Why can’t we give waxy chocolates in August to make the one we’re with feel special? Why do we have to make all single people feel more like they will forever be alone? Why can’t we have heart-shaped pizza year round? Here are some tips for surviving this V-day whether you’re single or in the loving grasps of another.
For the attached: Congratulations! You found someone willing to delete their Tinder profile for you! You did it! Now it’s that special day! No, not your four-month anniversary; serious relationships are counted in years. No one gives a hoot about how many months you’ve been together. It’s a relationship, not a toddler. While I’m at it, once your baby turns one there’s no more reason to be counting months so get it together! If I ask how old your kid is and you respond, “28 months,” I will slap you. Whoa, I clearly have some unresolved issues and that went a bit off track.
So it’s Valentine’s Day, you need to show that you know what day it is and that you did more than just make a quick trip to Dollarama. Be careful though, if this is a new relationship and you plan a big elaborate date or gift, you’re going to have to compete with this Valentine’s for the rest of the relationship. My first serious boyfriend gave me a diamond promise ring that he hid inside a Kinder Surprise. Yes, he carefully peeled the foil off, used an X-Acto knife to cut the chocolate, put the ring inside, used a hair dryer to melt the chocolate and reseal it, and re-wrapped the foil to make it look like it had never been opened. So you can understand my disappointment when the following year he gave me a $25 Cineplex gift card. Don’t blow your load too soon boys and girls. If I was still in a relationship, the promise that the romance would continue all year would be the best gift ever. If Valentine’s Day is just another day, you’re doing something right.
For the singles: Let’s face it, this day isn’t for us. We have to watch all year as people who are in love do cute crap for each other, then the 14th of February shows up to shove it in our faces just how alone we are. Being single on Valentine’s can bring back nightmares of grade school. Sitting at your desk waiting for a Candy Gram that is never going to be delivered, or checking your homemade construction paper mail box and seeing all the “Just a Friend” cards. My best advice for singles on this day that’s not meant for us? Make it your day, find your other single friends. Get together and get drunk or try that new drug you’ve been meaning to try. Then go through your phone and text every ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend what you really think of them. This might not be healthy and you may look petty, but damn it will feel good! You don’t have to do this, of course. These are just my Valentine’s plans. Who am I kidding? I’ll probably go get a pint from Earnest Ice Cream then Netflix and Chill myself while scrolling through old dick pics.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I give the worst love advice. I can’t figure it out myself but I write an advice column and I was asked to write about love this month…this cliché-filled, vomit-inducing hell-month. Enjoy your chocolate, I’ll be buying mine half price on February 15th.BC, British Columbia, Kathleen McGee, Valentine's Day