By Dan Savage
I’m a 24-year-old male, married three years, monogamous. My wife and I are religious and were both virgins when we got married. I’m sexually frustrated with two things. (1) How can I get her to give me oral sex? (She has never given and I have never received oral sex. I regularly give her oral sex.) She is afraid to try it, saying she’s not ready yet. About every six months, I bring it up and it leads to a fight. She is a germophobe, but I think she believes fellatio is done only in porn. (I used to look at porn, which nearly ended our then-dating relationship.) (2) I feel like I’m always giving and never receiving any type of affection: massages, kisses, caresses, you name it. It’s like having sex with a sex doll—no reciprocation. How do I broaden our sex life without making her feel like we’re in a porno?
If you don’t already have children—you don’t mention kids—please don’t have any, SF, at least not with your first wife.
You’re a religious person, SF, a lifestyle choice I don’t fully understand. But you’re also a sexual person, and that I do understand. And if you want a lifelong, sexually exclusive, and sexually fulfilling relationship, then you must prioritize sexual compatibility during your search for the second Mrs. SF. Because your next marriage is likelier to survive for the long haul if you’re partnered with someone who is attracted to you physically and is aroused—roughly speaking—by the same sex acts, positions, and fantasies you are.
In other words: Don’t marry someone and hope she likes sucking your dick. You tried that, and it didn’t work. Find someone who likes sucking your dick and marry her.
I’m a straight woman in my early 30s, and I just don’t like receiving oral sex. I love giving blowjobs and can orgasm from PIV sex, but I seem to be one of the few women who don’t enjoy guys going down on me. I’m not uncomfortable with it, but it doesn’t get me off. I also get wet easily, so it’s not like I need it as foreplay. As I’ve gotten older, and the guys I sleep with have gotten older, it seems like most want to spend a great deal of time down there. I’ve tried being up front about not liking it in general, but guys either get offended or double down and do it more because they assume I’ve never been with a guy who “could do it right.” Any ideas on how to handle this?
Needs Oral Preference Explainer
The observation you make regarding older straight guys—older straight guys are more enthusiastic about going down on women—is something I’ve heard from other female friends. They couldn’t get guys to go down on them in their 20s, and they can’t get guys in their 30s and 40s to stop going down on them. (SF, above, is clearly an outlier.) The obvious solution to your dilemma, NOPE: Only fuck guys in their 20s.
Fan from Sweden here! Question: My fetish has no name. It is a “worshipping” fetish, for want of a better term, where I am the one being worshipped. Not by one man, but all men of the earth. The worshipping itself, while sexual, is not bound to my body parts. It would be great to have this named.
Lack Of Vocabulary Enervates My Experiences
A year ago, I would’ve diagnosed you with “caligulaphilia,” LOVEME, after the Roman emperor Caligula, who considered himself a living god, and -philia, the go-to suffix meaning “abnormal appetite or liking for.” But these days, I’d say you were suffering from a bad case of “trumpophilia.”
I’m a 24-year-old female who met my 26-year-old boyfriend five months ago through Fetlife. We do not share the same fetish, but we have other overlapping interests and he is lovely, smart, and funny. He has a diaper and incontinence fetish. Not my jam, but I’m GGG. The issue: He has the most one-dimensional sexuality I have ever seen. He can get off only in the missionary position, with a diaper under us, and with incontinence dirty talk. Even with all of the above, its difficult to get him to orgasm. And it’s only very recently that we’ve been able to have penetrative sex—since he was used to getting off with his hand and a diaper—always with diapers under us and with lots and lots and lots of pee talk. But there’s only so long I can talk about losing control and peeing myself before I lose interest in the activities at hand. I do not mind getting him off this way sometimes, but this does absolutely nada for me and it’s the only way he gets off. He’s otherwise an amazing person, but I’m getting frustrated. We’ve talked about how my needs aren’t being met, and he claims he’s done standard vanilla before and managed to satisfy his partners. I’ve yet to experience it myself, however, and I’d really like to be able to enjoy some vanilla sex—let alone my kinks!—with him!
Please, I’m Sexually Saddened
Your lovely, smart boyfriend is a lousy, selfish lay, PISS, and you two aren’t sexually compatible. DTMFA.
I am a 26-year-old guy and I have an overwhelming foot fetish. I cannot help but think about the male foot every hour of every day. I often find myself pushing boundaries with attractive male friends and acquaintances to satisfy my urges, which has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety. I’m obsessed with the idea of offering some of my friends and acquaintances foot massages, but I just don’t know how to bring up the subject, given my mixed experiences. A lot of people think of foot rubs as intimate and believe they should be restricted to romantic relationships. While I’ve been lucky on very random occasions, I’ve had some fuckups. I asked a gay friend whether he would like a foot massage, but he declined—and while he was polite about it in the initial exchange, he has since ignored me. I asked a straight guy, and he considered it but never followed through, and I feel weird about asking him again. I told another straight guy who was shocked that I would ever ask him such a thing, but he still talks to me and makes light of the incident. Whereas another guy unfriended me on Facebook after I messaged him and told him I liked his feet. What should I do? Is there a proper way to ask to rub someone’s feet? It’s not like I’m asking to suck on people’s toes.
Crazed About Lads’ Feet
You remind me of those straight guys who send unsolicited dick pics to women they barely know—they don’t do it because it never works, they do it because it works on rare/random occasions. But you have to ask yourself if those rare/random instances when an attractive male friend allowed you to perv on their feet—the handful of times you’ve gotten a yes—are worth the sacrificing of all the friendships you’ve lost.
Foot rubs are a form of intimacy, particularly when performed by foot fetishists, and you’ve gotta stop pestering your hot friends about their feet. There are tons of other foot fetishists out there—most male, loads gay, tons online. Go find some fellow foot pervs and swap rubs with them.
On the Lovecast, Debby Herbenick on anxiety-induced orgasms: savagelovecast.com.caligulaphilia, Dan Savage, diaper fetish, foot fetish, kink, oral sex, Savage Love, trumpophilia