Been There Done That: Questionable advice from a comedian

Thursday 14th, April 2016 / 02:03
By Kathleen McGee
BeenThereDoneThat_APRIL_ByNicole Ashley

Photo: Nicole Ashley

VANCOUVER — It’s April! My favourite month! Winter is finally gone, the flowers are blooming, it’s my birthday month, and 4/20 is upon us! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, what are you doing living in Vancouver? It’s the day we celebrate and praise the magic that is the marijuana plant! In 2016, if you still have never gotten stoned and eaten a bag of Cheetos, you’re missing out man.

I think I was in Grade 7 the first time I saw Up in Smoke and I was in Grade 9 the first time I ever shared a tiny pinner of a joint with six 14-year-old girls. I got high the first time; and I knew I was high because my friends Devon and Leah were having a super intense fight over whether Courtney Love was good or bad and I sat on the couch and laughed my ass off at them. I think I was the only one who inhaled, because I had an insane coughing fit and I was the only one that really “felt anything.” I experimented a little along the way but never really smoked a lot until my late 20s. Here’s a “how to” 4/20 guide from a user that doesn’t really know how to.

How to roll a joint: A perfect joint is a magical thing. To me a perfect joint is the size of a cigarette with a filter. I judge anyone that smokes without a filter. They might be judging me right back, but at least I’m not spitting out bits of weed that have snuck into my mouth. My ex-boyfriend Jim rolls the best joints and I was his muse. He never smoked joints because he just smoked alone out of his homemade pop bottle bong, then I came along and wanted him to share so he became a master joint roller. Jim has an amazing beard, all my boyfriends do, but he could never figure out why his moustache on the left side was shorter than the other side. One day we were enjoying one of his famous rollies and I saw him get to the end and singe the exact place he kept losing. That day we learned that filters are your friend if you have facial hair.

How to smoke from a bong: I moved to Toronto when I was 28 to do more comedy and to try and live in Toronto. I started smoking more, but I was still much more of a drinker. I was invited to a party filled with people I wanted to like me and accept me as one of their own. I was still a novice smoker and had never smoked from a bong before. I walked into this room and there was a bong sitting on a table, one of the cool kids passed it to me and said “go ahead.” I didn’t know what to do, but I didn’t want these people to know how cool I wasn’t. So I thanked him, took the bong and proceeded wrap my lips around the long tube and deep throat that bong. It may have been the wrong way but I got super high and three guys asked me out, so was I really doing it wrong?

Edibles: My favourite way to enjoy the benefits of this magical plant! I’ve never been a smoker so smoking it is just a necessary evil. I’ve always loved to eat, so clearly this is a match made in heaven. I like to call edibles the roller coaster treat, because you never know what will happen. Some people hate that unpredictability but to me that’s the best part. My favourite pastime is eating an edible and going to a movie, because when you’re on edibles everyone is a terrible actor and the extras are the most entertaining part. Word of caution though, never give an edible to a first-timer and take them to Disneyland — I don’t think my older brother will ever be the same. He saw stuff mannnn…Crazy stuff…Stuff Disney doesn’t want us to know about.

So this 4/20 get a little or a lot stoned but make sure you feel the benefits of one of the most natural awesome ways to feel good. My one wish for April 20, 2016 is that our brand new and amazing Prime Minister Justin Trudeau gives us an amazing surprise and legalizes it on that date. Because it’s 2016.

Kathleen McGee has a podcast called Kathleen McGee is a Hot Mess and you should listen to it! Visit http://www.kathleenmcgee.ca for more.

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