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Been There Done That: Questionable advice from a comedian

By Kathleen McGee

BeenThereDoneThat_MAYVANCOUVER — Summer is so close I can almost taste the burnt hot dogs and cold beer. In all fairness though, we kind of just skip over winter in Vancouver. Anyone who thinks we don’t is a pansy and needs to be exiled to the Prairies for a week in January, then we can talk. The lack of snow and cold is why when I wasn’t allowed to go back to California I chose to live here instead. That and the border cop who denied me lives in Vancouver and I’m still seeking my vengeance.

It’s also almost time for us to stop wearing layers of clothing and head to the beach. Whether you’re keeping your clothes on at Kits Beach or getting naked at Wreck, you need to have what is known as a “beach body” before you hit the sand. Vancouverites are some of the most active people in the world, but there are some, like myself, who use the rainy months as a time to stay in and catch up on every season of Law and Order SVU that Netflix has to offer. My inactivity is probably also what has kept me single for the two years I’ve lived here. I don’t have a yoga butt and my idea of a good date involves a dive bar pub crawl — not biking up Mount Seymour and snowboarding down. This is the year I need to get in shape for the beach and I have approximately three weeks to do it! Here are a few ways you can tone your tummy and shape your glutes in time to sit in the sand.

Juice cleanses are supposedly all the rage, it’s not strange to me at all that you forego food for up to a month and instead fuel your body on lemonade and cayenne pepper. I imagine the hot pepper running through my body burning the evil fat while I’m unable to move due to the lack of any nutrients entering my body. This means I will basically lose weight in my sleep, this is the miracle I’ve been looking for. I heard Beyoncé juiced for an entire month leading up to filming Dreamgirls and she only flew off the handle and was irritable the entire time. Juice is what your body needs in order for it to become smaller and for you to become more of an asshole.

I’ve looked into CrossFit and Paleo; both seem to be a great way to tone your body and lose your current friend circle. Which is totally fine, because then you can head to the beach with your new CrossFit family and eat the meat of a deer that you hunted with a bow and arrow.

Yoga, the original exercise of the true Vancouverite. Slap on a pair of those $200 leggings and head down to a hot studio to stretch and fart next to strangers. I’m still not sure why I haven’t gone to a yoga class yet, other than the fact that it had been decreed by the lord of Lululemon that a person of my size has no business in their pants and therefore no business working on my fitness.

If by now you’re offended, calm down and turn off your MacBook. You don’t need to start your blog listing reasons why I’m a terrible person and clearly don’t know what I’m talking about. Do you really think I’d forego a month of food to drink juice? Hell no! What I’m trying to say is go to the beach, no matter what your body looks like. Enjoy the sand between your toes, jump into the ocean and feel that salt water on your bare skin. The first summer I lived here a friend took me to Wreck Beach. I was nervous, not just because the thought of that many stairs terrified me, but because I’m not a fan of keeping the lights on during sex, let alone hanging out on a beach with everything hanging out. The stairs weren’t that bad and I’ve never felt more confident than I did naked on that beach. So be yourself, be healthy and move your body, but also have fun and eat ice cream and drink beer. If anyone gives you any guff, know that deep down inside they’re starving and haven’t eaten a burger not made of rice flower and beans in years. Who’s the gross one now? Love yourself and you’ll always have the perfect beach bod.

Kathleen McGee has a podcast called Kathleen McGee is a Hot Mess and you should listen to it! Visit www.kathleenmcgee.ca for more.

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