By Dan Savage
I’ve been dating a nice guy for a month or so. Sex is good, and we’re faulty compatible in other ways, too. He told me he likes to wear diapers. He said he doesn’t want me to do it with him, but that every once in a while he likes to wear them because it makes him feel “safe.” He said that this odd behavior isn’t sexual for him, but I have trouble believing him. I’m not sure how I feel about this. He also said that it embarrasses him and he wishes it wasn’t something he needed. If you have any insight into what to ask him or how to make sure I can keep him satisfied sexually as we move forward (if we do), it would be appreciated.
Do I Ask Pooper Everything Respectfully, Sir?
You shouldn’t assume (contra your sign-off) that Potential New Boyfriend (PNB) is pooping his diapers. Most guys who are ABDL (adult baby/diaper lover) are interested only in wetting themselves, if that. (Some only wear, never fill.) It sounds like PNB is struggling with kink- and/or sex-shame, DIAPERS, and the assumption you’ve made about the extent of his diaper play might put him on the defensive. Even if your assumption is accurate, it could still put him on the defensive.
You have a hard time believing PNB when he says there’s nothing sexual about his interest in diapers, and that makes two of us. Seeing as he’s already succumbed to shame where his kink is concerned—or it might be more accurate to say he hasn’t dug himself out from under the shame almost all kinksters struggle with initially—he is very likely weighed down by the sex-negativity that comes bundled with kink-shame. So he may have told you there’s nothing sexual about his thing for diapers because he thinks it makes his diapers seem less sordid.
That said, DIAPERS, “this makes me feel safe” and “this makes my dick hard” aren’t mutually exclusive phenomena. Both can be true. (And if diapers really do make adults feel safe—and I wanna see data on that—we could rebrand them as “portable individual safe spaces” and make them available at our better universities.)
Another clue there’s something sexual about this thing for diapers: not wanting you around while he wears them. Maybe diapers are something he enjoys wearing during alone time, or maybe the sight of him in diapers makes the sexual aspect hard to deny. (“Is that an enormous rattle in your diaper or are you just happy to see me?”)
I would advise you to say some vaguely affirming things (“Your diaper thing doesn’t bother me, and wouldn’t even if it were sexual”) without pressuring him to include you at diaper time. Don’t rush things—relationship-wise or diaper-wise—and focus on establishing a mutually satisfying sexual rapport/repertoire.
P.S. I think you meant “fairly compatible” not “faulty compatible.” Normally I would correct a mistake like this before printing a letter—but I rather liked your accidental phrase. A loving and functional-but-imperfect relationship—really the best we can hope for—could be described as faulty compatible.
I’m an incredibly confused man in my early 20s. I’m attracted to men and women. I could see spending my life with either. But I think sexual activity with either sex would be confusing and strange. In sex ed, I always thought the whole idea of sexual intercourse was strange. I don’t think I’m asexual, but I’m not sure if I am bisexual. I am more attracted to vibrant personalities. I don’t think that I am just straight or just gay, because I have equal feelings for both sexes. Does this mean I could find equal companionship with both? Should I wait until I find the right person and decide from there?
Confused About Sexuality, Help
According to the Tumblr Blog Decoder Ring that came in my last box of Kellogg’s Feelios, CASH, you’re bi-classic (attracted to men and women), bi-romantic (could be with a man or a woman), a sort of demisexual/sapiosexual hybrid (demis are attracted to people they’ve bonded with emotionally, sapios are attracted to people who are intelligent, and vibrancy may fall at some point between the two), and maybe falling somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. The best way to discover who/what works for you is to get out there. If you find yourself feeling confused, just remind yourself that confusion—like so much else—is a spectrum. And wherever you fall on it, CASH, know you’ve got plenty of company.
A local park in Seattle often hosts gay men engaging in sexual activities. As a straight female, I love watching man-on-man sex and really wanted to check out this park. I stopped by at night and noticed “cruising” going on but no sexual activity. I decided to try on a busy Saturday night, and sure enough, I saw a man giving a BJ to another man. I scared the men—they stopped their activities and left the park when they saw me watching—and I felt bad. I feel like I should have said something like “Don’t let me stop you!” and then perhaps been able to watch. What are my options here?
Peculiar And Rare Kink
Two options: Dress up like a dude and pass yourself off as one of the guys/park-pervs—guys into man-on-man public sex usually aren’t adverse to being observed by other male park-pervs—or stay home and watch gay porn on the internet until you’ve homicided love. (Porn kills love—so says the Mormon Church, so you know it’s true.)
As for the two guys who knocked it off when they spotted you: They either thought you were a cop (it’s illegal to be in Seattle parks after closing, and it’s extra illegal to have sex in a public park after hours) or thought you might be shocked or annoyed. Most park-pervs go out of their way to be discreet, for their own safety (avoiding gay bashers or arrest) and out of consideration for late-night dog walkers, restless insomniacs, stargazers, et al.
One last reason they may have pulled up their pants: They weren’t interested in performing for you. Gay and bi men who have sex in parks—many of them straight-identified men—aren’t there to perform for pervy straight ladies. But I’m not going to scold you (even at the risk of being scolded myself), PARK, because park-pervs risk being observed by other members of the public—and women are members of the public, too, and just as entitled to get their perv on in a public park as they are.
But if you don’t want the guys to pull up their pants and flee at the sight of you, PARK, pull together an outfit that gives you a dude-ish silhouette.
SPEAKING OF ABDL: Residents of Mount Prospect, Illinois, are upset about a new shop that caters to diaper lovers in their community. Tykables sells grown-up-size diapers, rocking chairs, and cribs. The Chicago Tribune reports that some residents are uncomfortable because the shop—which has no signage and soon-to-be-frosted windows—is near schools, parks, and other places where “children gather.” Mount Prospect is a suburb, so there are schools or parks near just about everything. And there’s a gun shop a couple blocks away from a large public park and an elementary school—and no one ever walked into a school and started diapering students to death. Maybe worry about the real threat to your kids, Mount Prospect?
On the Lovecast, Tracy Clark-Flory on the plight of the virtuous pedophile: savagelovecast.com.adult diapers, bisexuality, Dan Savage, demisexuality, kink, peeping, sapiosexuality, Savage Love, sex, voyeurism