By Dan Savage
My partner and I have been playing with male chastity devices. We’ve been considering going to a strip club while his cock is caged up and getting him lap dances. Is there some etiquette for this with the dancers? Do we let the dancer know before she is on his lap? Or do we not mention it? Is it rude to get a dancer involved at all? I’ve not yet found an etiquette guide for this situation.
Letting Our Cage Kink Show
“I think I speak for most dancers when I say I don’t care what’s going on underneath a customer’s pants,” said Bobbi Hill, a lap dancer based in Portland, Oregon, strip club capital of the United States. “Grazing over a stiff object in the crotch region is not an uncommon experience when giving a lap dance, and depending on the texture of the device, I might not even give it a second thought.”
While your concern for lap dancers is commendable, LOCKS, the person most at risk of injury is your partner. Nothing is more fun than inducing an erection in someone who’s locked in a male chastity device—a necessarily painful and punishing erection—but the devices are unyielding (ideally) and the cock flesh is weak (even when hard). A dancer who grinds down on your partner’s crotch is likelier to hurt him.
That said, lap dancers don’t like surprises. If a dancer grinds down on your partner’s crotch and feels something hard, clunky, and un-cock-like in his pants, “she might go into air-dance mode,” said Hill, “which is essentially a lap dance where you make as little contact with the customer’s crotch as possible. Of course, you can never go wrong investing in a stripper’s patience and well-being—try handing her a Benjamin as you explain your situation.”
Just in case you’re not interested in dancers who are hers, LOCKS, I ran your question by a male stripper.
“I don’t think most dancers would mind if a customer was wearing a male chastity device as long as it caused no physical harm or discomfort,” said Aaron, a dancer at Stag PDX, Portland’s new male strip club. “If all parts of the device are safely tucked away between your legs while you receive the lap dance, there should be little to worry about. But if the device has parts that protrude—and could possibly harm an overzealous dancer while they grind up on you—you may want to be more cautious. It also never hurts to ask the dancers what they’re comfortable with.”
Strippers! They’re just like us! You can ask them questions! They will answer them! They respond positively when you take their comfort into account! They also appreciate large tips! And good personal hygiene! And clients who aren’t completely shitfaced!
I recently left my husband and moved from the suburbs to my own apartment in Philadelphia. It’s very liberating, and I have been starting to venture out for some great sex, something missing in my 25-year marriage. Two weeks ago, I decided to be adventurous and went to a clubby bar around the block and brought a guy back to my place. The guy was in his 40s, lean, and muscular. The sex was great! He was very oral, unlike my vanilla husband. When we got this stud’s clothes off, I saw that his pubic area was completely shaved, basically from his navel down. I don’t know if I looked as shocked as I felt. While he was humping away—I have never had anyone with such stamina and power—he told me to feel his anus, and that area, too, was shaved. I didn’t want to ask him why he shaves, but I am wondering if this is common these days? Is there some “meaning” to it? And is anal touching now customary? I am really out of it and thought I’d ask you.
Confused Over Under-Garment-Area Region
While I love your signoff, COUGAR, sleeping with a lean, muscular guy in his 40s who likes to have his anus touched doesn’t earn a woman her cougar wings or whiskers or whatever. You’re going to have to fuck a few boys in their 20s if you want to be a cougar.
In regards to your recent hookup, COUGAR, the removal of pubic hair has definitely become more common over the last 25 years. Studies have found that upwards of 60 percent of women regularly remove most or all of their pubic hair; there aren’t studies about men removing their pubic hair, but many men do. Shaving or waxing doesn’t necessarily mean anything in particular, other than a preference for hairless junk. And the younger people are—chronologically or in spirit—the likelier they are to remove their pubes.
And while I wouldn’t describe anal touching as customary, there are definitely more straight men around today who aren’t afraid of their own assholes.
I met my boyfriend at a gay night in a club. I thought he was gay because he was dancing shirtless. But he loves going down on me, the PIV sex is the best I’ve ever had, and I believe him when he says he’s straight. He’s got an above-average cock, but he likes me to tell him it’s small and compare him unfavorably to men I’ve been with who had bigger cocks. I’ve had bigger and I don’t mind degrading him like this. (It’s a nice change of pace to be with a guy who doesn’t want me to pretend like I’ve never seen another cock before!) So that’s not the reason I’m writing. This is: He likes to be called a “faggot” when he’s fucking me. It makes him incredibly horny, but I feel guilty for using an antigay hate term while we’re having straight sex. Is this okay? Is it fucked up? Should we stop?
Female Anxiously Grants Slurs
It’s not okay, it’s completely fucked up, and you don’t have to stop. And if you feel the least bit guilty about calling your boyfriend a fag when he’s fucking you, FAGS, an hour on gay Tumblr will make you feel better about that. The number of gay men out there who think it’s hot to call their own assholes or other men’s assholes “cunts” will both surprise you and make you feel less conflicted about calling your straight boyfriend a fag.
I recently stopped reading your advice column due to its current focus on homosexuality. Just letting you know the heterosexuals are still alive and doing well.
Bored Reading Endlessly Experimental Deviants Exploring Rectums
Over the last year, BREEDER, I published 140 questions from readers who identified themselves as gay, lesbian, bi, trans, or straight. Twenty-six of those questions were from gay men (18 percent), 16 were from bisexuals (12 percent), 6 were from trans people (4 percent), 2 were from lesbians (1 percent), and 90 were from straight people (65 percent). Almost all of the bisexuals whose letters I responded to were in opposite-sex, aka “straight,” relationships, and the same goes for half the letters from trans people. (Lots of trans people are straight identified and in opposite-sex, aka “straight,” relationships.) So nearly 80 percent of the questions I answered last year focused on straight people and/or straight sex.
If a sex-advice column that’s about straight people and/or straight sex 65 to 80 percent of the time is too gay for you, BREEDER, then my “current focus” isn’t the problem—your homophobia is. I would say that I’m sorry to lose you as a reader, BREEDER, but I’m not.
Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at savagelovecast.com.Dan Savage, homophobia, male chastity, name-calling, pube shaving, Savage Love, sex, small dick