By Dan Savage
I am a straight married man. My wife and I have a 4-year-old and a 3-month-old. We’ve just started having intercourse again. For Valentine’s Day, we spent the night in a B&B while grandma watched the kids. We had edibles, drank sparkling wine, and then fucked. It was amazing. After we came and while we were still stoned and drunk, my wife mentioned she was open to inviting others into our sex life. I asked about getting a professional sex worker. She said no. But maybe if we were in a bar (we’re never in bars) and met someone (a unicorn), she might be into it. Anal came up. She’s always said she’s up for trying anything once. I have a desire to experiment with anal. (Not just me entering her, but her pegging me as well.) I asked if she would use the vibrator we brought on me, just to experiment. She said she was too high to do anything. I felt let down. I feel she unknowingly teased me with fantasies I have, not knowing I actually have them. We have a good sex life, and I’m willing to write off the fantasies we discussed while high and drunk. It’s the teasing that drove me crazy.
Having And Realizing Desires
P.S. I’m in no hurry. We just had a baby, and I don’t want to pressure my wife right now. My fear is that she may only like the idea of exploring our sexuality together and not the reality of it.
Some people think about, talk about, and masturbate about certain fantasies without ever wanting to realize them. Let’s call them Team Fantasize. Some people think about, etc., certain fantasies and would very much like to realize them. Let’s call them Team Realize. There’s nothing wrong with either team. But when someone on Team Fantasize is married to someone on Team Realize, well, that can be a problem. Knowing your spouse is turned on by fantasies you share but rules out realizing them—or sets impossible conditions for realizing them—can be extremely frustrating. And sometimes a frustrated Team Realize spouse will say something like this to their Team Fantasize mate: “Talking about these fantasies together—this kind of dirty talk—it gets my hopes up about actually doing it. If it’s never going to happen, we have to stop talking about it, because it’s frustrating.”
The problem with that approach? Swingers clubs, BDSM parties, and the strap-on-dildo sections of your finer sex-positive sex-toy stores everywhere are filled with couples who used to be on opposite teams—one from Team Fantasize, the other from Team Realize—but they’re both on Team Realize now. And what got them on the same team? Continuing to discuss and share fantasies, even at the risk of frustrating the Team Realize spouse.
So if you ever want to have that threesome or experiment with anal, HARD, you need to keep talking with your wife about these fantasies—and you need to tell her your fantasies too! Tell her you’re not pressuring her, of course, but let her know these are things you would actually like to do, and the more you talk about them, the more you want to do them. If she keeps talking with you about them, that’s a sign. Not a sign that she’s a cruel tease, HARD, but a sign that she’s inching closer toward pulling on a Team Realize jersey.
P.S. If your wife doesn’t know you have these fantasies—and is consequently teasing you “unknowingly”—that’s your fault, HARD, not hers.
I wanted to tell you about something that happened to my friend. (Really!) She was going to bang this dude from OkCupid but wasn’t getting a great feeling, so she went to bed and let him crash on the couch. She woke up the next day to find her underwear drawer empty on the floor and all of her underwear wrapped around this dude’s feet. She stealthily removed all the panties from his perv hooves and put her shit away. When the morning actualized itself, they parted amicably with no mention of the underwear slippers.
Men In Alaska
Ask yourself which is the likelier scenario, MIA. Scenario 1: This guy stumbled around your friend’s dark apartment in the middle of the night, managed to find her underwear drawer, pulled it out and set it on the floor, made himself a pair of pantie-booties, had himself a wank, and fell back to sleep. All without waking your friend. Then your friend got up in the morning, saw her panties wrapped around his hooves, peeled them off one by one, and returned her panties to their drawer. All without waking Perv Hooves up. Scenario 2: Your friend got pervy with this guy, wanted to tell you about this guy’s kink, but was too embarrassed to admit that she played along and possibly got into it.
My money is on Scenario 2, MIA, because I’ve heard this song before: “I met this pervert who did these perverted things in front of me while I was asleep, and I wasn’t in any way involved and I wasn’t harmed. Isn’t that pervert crazy?” Yeah, no. In most cases, the person relaying the story played an active role in the evening’s perversions but edited the story to make themselves look like a passive bystander, not a willing participant.
I’m a 30-year-old straight woman who has been with the same guy (high-school sweetheart!) for the last 13 years. We love each other deeply, best friends, etc. The problem isn’t that the sex isn’t good—he’s very good at making me come. But the sex is vanilla and routine, and I would like us to go beyond that. Nothing extreme, I just want to switch things up a bit. Talking about sex makes my husband REALLY uncomfortable. If I ask him what he’d like me to do to him while we’re having sex, he shuts down. He’ll say, “Everything you do is good,” and leave it there. In the very few conversations we’ve had about this stuff, he’s said that he feels intimidated and doesn’t know what to say. This is incredibly frustrating for me. How do I get him to loosen up and feel more comfortable about talking to me so that we can eventually progress to some new experiences?
Why Husband Is Prudish
Have you told him what you want? If you haven’t—if you’re as vague in your conversations with him as you were in your letter to me—you’re essentially asking your husband to guess at your undisclosed interests or kinks. Your husband is probably terrified of guessing wrong. He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know what to say—but he’s told you he’s fine with whatever you want to do. So stop asking him what he wants to do to you, WHIP, and start doing whatever it is you want to do. Take the initiative, be the change you want to see in the sack, lean in or bend over or whatever.
From your sign-off, WHIP, I’m guessing you’re interested in some type of BDSM play, most likely with you in the sub role. So lay your kink cards on the table and offer to dominate him first. A lot of subs do some topping, i.e., doing unto others as they would like done unto them, and some subs become tops exclusively. But take baby steps, it’s mild before wild, you gotta nail those junior-varsity kinks before moving up to varsity-level kinks, etc.
On the Lovecast, a pro dom on being a sex worker and a single mom: savagelovecast.com.anal, communication, Dan Savage, fantasies, pantie-booties, Savage Love, sex, vanilla