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The Vidiot: June 2017

Sunday 25th, June 2017 / 20:43
By Shane Sellar

Logan

You can tell a superhero is getting old when villains start using credit-card scams on them.

Luckily, the aged protagonist in this action movie knows to keep his PIN protected.

A weathered Wolverine/Logan (Hugh Jackman) struggles to survive in a mutant-less future where his healing factor is failing and his once powerful mentor (Patrick Stewart) suffers from Alzheimer’s.

Matters worsen when a young mutant (Dafne Keen) escapes from a laboratory and asks for his help in reaching a mutant safe haven up north. Accepting this, however, puts the irritable immortal’s life in danger for the first – and possibly last – time.

Focusing more on the character himself than his infamous claws, this final chapter of the Jackman era may suffer from some lulls but is ultimately a fitting tribute to the troubled Canuck with strong performances, furious action and a moving script.

Incidentally, elderly superheroes always keep some candy in their spandex.

The Great Wall

If China were smart they would’ve got the Mongols to pay for the Great Wall to be built.

Oddly, the intruders in this fantasy movie are not even of Earth.

Searching for China’s famed black powder, mercenaries Garin (Matt Damon) and Pero (Pedro Pascal) are attacked by mysterious creatures, and survive.

When they are later captured by the military, Commander Mae (Jing Tian) tells them of the horde and their need to cleanse the earth of avarice. Intrigued, Garin agrees to help kill the colony’s queen. Insatiable, Pero teams with another captive (Willem Dafoe) to pilfer the explosive powder.

With a multitude of highly stylized battles imbued with eye-popping aerial attacks in a kaleidoscope of colours, this visually striking creature feature has a very familiar script and an unintentionally hilarious performance from Damon that borders on campy.

And while China’s Great Wall did ultimately deter invaders, it inadvertently encouraged graffiti artists.

Get Out

The great thing about interracial relationships is you’ll never start to look alike.

Even dressed identical, the mixed-race couple in this horror movie would maintain their distinctiveness.

Black photographer, Chris (Daniel Kaluuya), is nervous about spending the weekend with his white girlfriend’s (Allison Williams) family (Bradley Whitford, Catherine Keener, Caleb Landry Jones).

His fears are soon confirmed when he begins having strange encounters with the few other black people around who all warn him to get out.

Things get even stranger when Chris ends up on the auction block for the family’s affluent white friends to purchase for their own nefarious reasons.

More psychological horror than slasher flick splatterfest, this socially relevant debut from comedian-cum-director Jordan Peele deals with the racial divide in America with a monstrous metaphor that is frightening foremost for its high probability.

Besides, meeting white people isn’t scary as long as you have your hands up.

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

Extreme sports are the perfect balance between athletics and corporate sponsorship.

However, the spy in this action movie has now incorporated work into the equation.

Ex-NSA agent and X Games enthusiast Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) returns to active duty when his mentor (Samuel L. Jackson) is killed and a device capable of downing satellites disappears.

Although he’s under CIA supervision (Toni Collette), Xander is permitted to assemble his own team of thrill-seeking operatives (Nina Dobrev, Ruby Rose, Rory McCann) to take down the foreign parties (Donnie Yen, Tony Jaa) in possession of Pandora’s Box before they unleash its powers.

While the martial arts segments of this sequel’s numerous action sequences are engaging, the sloppy green screen work, the script’s atrocious dialogue and the barrage of absurd scenarios makes Vin’s return to the character a highly disappointing one.

Incidentally, extreme sports spies take their martinis with Mountain Dew in them.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Just watch, the zombie apocalypse is gonna happen right as the fad is dying out.

Luckily, this horror movie has some final pointers to offer before it does.

Humanity’s last hope is the everlasting Alice (Milla Jovovich) who has just been advised by a computer program (Ever Gabo Anderson) that she must travel to Raccoon City if she hopes to find a cure for the world’s zombie plague.
Aided by other humans (Ali Larter, Ruby Rose, Eoin Macken), she makes her way back to where it all began. However, the virus’ creator (Iain Glen) and throngs of the undead stand in her way.

The sixth installment in this video game-inspired franchise, this concluding chapter is cluttered with the same overly stylized fights, exceptionally bad acting and muddled storytelling that made the original and its successors so unmemorable.

Besides, if there really were zombies, corporations would just cover them in ads.

The Space Between Us

On Mars, all you ever learn about in high school is how to invade and enslave Earth.

However, the Martian in this romantic movie prefers to visit his enemy instead.

Born on the red planet 16 years ago, the orphaned Gardner (Asa Butterfield) now has an urge to find the earthling that he believes is his father. Undergoing extensive surgery to adapt to Earth’s atmosphere, he hopes to find him.

But when his doctor (Gary Oldman) doesn’t clear him for the trek, Gardner escapes his custody and locates his online friend (Britt Robertson) who helps him navigate his new terrain and joins with him on his quest.

A bizarre teenage love story with stranger science backing up its implausible narrative, this sappy by-the-numbers schlock-fest can count incompatible leads as its foremost setback.

Moreover, guys say they’re from Mars just so they don’t have to call a girl the next day.

Fifty Shades Darker

It’s a safe bet that being tied up in bed is the sexual fetish of every escape artist.

However, the subservient in this erotic drama isn’t exactly dislocating her shoulder.

While she is working as an assistant book editor, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) attends an art event where she runs into her wealthy ex-boyfriend/dominant Christian (Jamie Dornan), who wants her back.

She quickly agrees to rekindle their kinky relationship but under one condition: no more punishment. Meanwhile, Christian’s former submissive (Bella Heathcote) and his mature mentor (Kim Basinger) both reappear in his life to wreak havoc on his current affair.

While it is twice as titillating as the initial soft-core film adaptation of E. L. James’s erotic bestseller, this superfluous sequel still lacks a semi-interesting storyline, skilled actors to portray the flimsy characters and dialogue that isn’t completely ridiculous.

Incidentally, BDSM paraphernalia can also be used as a weapon against home invaders.

Gold

The worst part of gold digging is that you to have to spank an 80-year-old ass.

Fortunately this drama is about prospecting, not sleeping with the elderly.

Kenny’s (Matthew McConaughey) an ineffective entrepreneur who tries his hand at mining. Partnering with a geologist (Édgar Ramírez) the two raise enough capital to fund a dig in Indonesia. Initially unsuccessful, they eventual strike a vein that sends Wall Street into a tizzy.

With investors and governments now onboard, Kenny finally gets the notoriety he craves. But a ploy by his partner could put their entire deposit in jeopardy.

A loose adaptation of the 1993 Canadian mining company sandal that rocked the industry, this well-acted yet highly fictional account of Bre-X not only Americanizes the Canuck content, but it also dumbs down the material with its derivative crime-drama script.

However, when Canadians do strike it rich they tend to pimp out their igloos.

A Dog’s Purpose

The main purpose of any household canine is to ingest all the crumbs off the floor.

But according to this drama dogs have a higher purpose beyond being fur vacuums.

1961: A teenager, Ethan (KJ Apa), is having trouble at home with his abusive father so he adopts a golden retriever named Bailey (Josh Gad). After saving the family from a fire Bailey passes on.

He is later reborn in the 1970s as a female German Shepard working on the K-9 unit. After that life, he’s a spoiled Corgi then a neglected Saint Bernard who sets out to find his original owner, Ethan (Dennis Quad).
With each iteration of Bailey kicking the bucket every 20-minutes, this manipulative drivel yanks at your heartstrings ad nauseam with little worth to any of the vignette’s beyond introducing a new breed.

Furthermore, everyone knows dogs have the reincarnated souls of death row inmates.

Rings

In the old days when someone gave you an unlabelled VHS tape it was pornography.

The images on the cassette in this horror movie, regrettably, are all cursed.

A college professor (Johnny Galecki) acquires a hexed videocassette from a plane crash. After watching it, he receives a message telling him he has seven days to live unless he gets someone else to watch it. He turns this into a class project.

Meanwhile, Julia (Matilda Lutz) comes to campus looking for her boyfriend (Alex Roe) who’s being stalked by the creepy girl (Bonnie Morgan) from the recording.

By rehashing plot points from the previous films with little context in which to interpret them, this scare less continuation of the Americanized version of the Japanese original is not only confusing for new audiences but also redundant for fans.

Underworld: Blood Wars

The key to winning the war against vampires is cutting off their crushed velvet supply.

Lamentably, the bloodsuckers in this action movie also have skintight leather to wear.

Sought by her lycanthropic enemy (Tobias Menzies) who needs her hybrid daughter so he can create vampire/werewolf soldiers from her blood, Death Dealer Selene (Kate Beckinsale) seeks asylum with an upstart coven where she trains others like her.

Selene’s stay is short-lived due to her host’s (Lara Pulver) desire to drink her blood, so she and her student (Theo James) strike out to find her offspring before anyone else does.

The fifth installment in this less than memorable monster franchise, Blood Wars attempts to reinvigorate the struggling series with millennial material and mindless gunfights. Both of which do nothing to distract from the muddled script and ho-hum SFX.

Lastly, werewolves leave more than explosive landmines on the battlefield.

 

He’s an Off-Colour Commentator. He’s the…

Vidiot

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