by Hogan Short
The Big Sick, 9/11 talks, brain damage gibberish, like Daniel Day Lewis except he sucks.
Get Out, I can’t give you the keys babe, running grandpa, sunken place.
The Last Jedi for leaving Leia floating around in space.
All the Money in the World for replacing Kevin Spacey.
Best End Credits
Call Me by Your Name, Elio’s cry.
Stronger, when the entire theatre heard me sobbing.
Best Performance by a Kid
Farrah Mackenzie, Logan Lucky.
Brawl in Cell Block 99, Foot Stomp and Drag.
The Killing of a Sacred Deer.
Best Sex Scene
Blade Runner 2049, that boring but still pretty cool hologram/robot threesome.
Lady Bird, Back to the ‘90s with Timberlake, Dave Matthews Band, and Alanis Morissette.
Best Use of Swearing
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri, “This didn’t put an end to shit, you fucking retard this is just the start. Why don’t you put that on your Good Morning Missouri fucking wake up broadcast, bitch?”
Ben Stiller, The Meyerwitz Stories.
Call Me by Your Name, Michael Stuhlbarg’s monologue. “Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spots.”
Best Acting Moment
I, Tonya, Margot Robbie as Tonya Harding smiling and crying in the mirror.
Best Film without a Single Oscar Nomination
Collateral Beauty, Please watch it though, because WOW!