The Vidiot: July 2018

Tuesday 03rd, July 2018 / 14:08



Pacific Rim Uprising 

The reason giant robots aren’t currently in use is because scientists have yet to figure out how to have sex with them without being crushed. 

Conversely, the mechas in this sci-fi movie are used for humanities other fixation: war. 

Years after his father impeded the first Kaiju attack, Jake (John Boyega) reluctantly agrees to train a new generation of Jaeger pilots alongside his old partner (Scott Eastwood) when a new breed of hybrid monster shows up. Meanwhile, scientists (Charlie Day, Burn Gorman) struggle to understand their enemy’s newfound abilities that seem to thwart the Jaegars at every turn. 

Trading in most of the original cast and visionary writer/director for younger more diverse actors and an upstart director, this studio sequel mishandles creator Guillermo del Toro’s vision by minimizing the larger human themes for more mindless metal melees. 

Moreover, monsters aren’t the main adversaries of giant robots, cross-border steel tariffs are.   



I Can Only Imagine 

The difference between rock and Christian rock is when the latter’s albums are played backwards the subliminal message asks for monetary donations. 

However, the only hidden meaning the evangelical singer in this drama preaches is: love thy father. 

Born into a broke home headed by his abusive father (Dennis Quaid), Bart (J. Michael Finley) found solace in a Christian summer camp when he was younger. In school he finds comfort in music class where his singing voice sets him apart.  Bart’s ballads eventually garner interest from Amy Grant (Nicole DuPort). But before he can pursue his dreams Bart must make amends with his dying father. 

Featuring better production values than most faith based films this adaptation of Bart Millard’s real life hit song does feature a universal message of forgiveness. However, the acting and the dialogue are still extremely hokey. 

Incidentally, Christian rock band tour buses can drive on water.   




The key to a successful marriage is making sure your spouse never finds out you’re cheating on them. 

Sadly, the trifling husband in this thriller failed to follow the aforementioned rule. 

After a whirlwind romance Melinda (Taraji P. Henson) and Robert (Lyriq Bent) tie the knot in spite of her sisters’ misgivings towards the groom. Those doubts are later confirmed when Melinda catches Robert cheating on her and divorces him.  But when Robert remarries Melinda has a breakdown, sending her in to destructive tailspin. 

Writer and director Tyler Perry’s latest offering on the complexities of marriage is his most absurd venture yet. Reducing its talented lead to a fanatical stereotype is insulting to women, while the unfaithful husband is the same stock character that appears in all of Perry’s productions. 

Besides, the best revenge a woman can get after a divorce is moving on with her life with her brother-in-law.   




The upside to being committed to a mental institute is finally finding people who agree with your point of view. 

Nevertheless, the patient in this thriller maintains she is not crazy.

Stressed over a stalker, Sawyer (Claire Foy) meets with a counselor for advice. But when she admits to suicidal thoughts, the counselor decides to hold Sawyer at the facility for 24 hours.  

Under observation Sawyer meets fellow patient Nate (Jay Pharoah) who helps her contact her mother (Amy Irving). But Sawyer’s mental state deteriorates when she learns her stalker works at the hospital. 

The first feature-length film to be shot on an iPhone, filmmaker Steven Soderbergh explores themes of anxiety and corrupt insurancers through the lens of the handheld device. Unfortunately, this is the only innovative aspect of this lackluster mystery. 

And while no one likes being called crazy, it sure helps when you’re accused of first-degree murder.   




The good thing about sex pacts is that they allow you to know the exact moment you contracted HPV. 

However, the parents in this comedy are trying everything in their power to prevent that transfer from happening. 

Three best friends make a pact to lose their virginity on prom night. But when their overprotective parents (John Cena, Leslie Mann, Ike Barinholtz) undercover their agreement they set out to block all penises from entering their college-bound offspring. 

As the girls fumble their way around male genitalia, their inept guardians find themselves immersed in uncomfortable situations. 

While it does speak to the uncertainty of an empty nest, the comedy portion of this R-rated romp is of the raunchy variety. Moreover, the situations the parents find themselves in are too preposterous to be funny. 

Fortunately, if your daughter is knocked up on prom night at least you won’t have to pay for college. 



A Wrinkle in Time 

Typically the children of scientists tend to be hideous patchworks of random limbs and organs.  

Thankfully, the offspring in this family-fantasy appear to be fairly normal looking. 

Obsessed with finding her missing scientist father Alex (Chris Pine) after he disappeared looking for the seeds to humanity out in the cosmos, Meg (Storm Reid) is obviously thrived to learn from three astral beings (Oprah Winfrey, Reese Witherspoon, Mindy Kaling) that he’s still alive. 

However, Alex is being prisoner on another planet that is ruled by a malignant organism that intends to use Alex’s transportation device to take over the universe.    

A vast departure from the beloved children’s novel from the 1960s, this effects laden, star-studded adaptation sheds significant character and story elements from the novel to accommodate the aggressive visuals, timely social commentary and its overreaching narrative that strives towards its doubtful sequels. 

Incidentally, imprisonment on another planet is an envious excuse for missed child support payments.   



The worst thing about medical marijuana is it shortens the lifespan of cancer patients.

Nevertheless, the company in this comedy has brought a new cannabis product to market. 

Harold (David Oyelowo) works for a medical marijuana company that has just revolutionized the industry with an easy to swallow weed tablet. Now he must travel with his superiors (Charlize Theron, Joel Edgerton) down to Mexico to oversee the manufacturing of the pill. 

But when the local cartel gets wind of the newfangled invention, they claim ownership of it and kidnap Harold to prove their point. An inept ex-soldier is sent in to liberate him.   

Crammed with a myriad of madcap situations that just aren’t that funny or original, this crappy caper cannot keep up with its talented cast who struggle to portray the unpleasant stereotypes in this dreck straight-faced. 

Besides, Mexico is more than just narcotics; their prostitutes are also world-class.    


Tomb Raider 

The upside to being an archaeologist is the joblessness allows you time to go out adventuring. 

Wisely, the explorer in this action-adventure chose a vocation in bike messaging. 

Seven years after her archeologist father (Dominic West) disappeared looking for the crypt of a Chinese shaman, perpetual problem child Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) finally leaves her meager existence behind and accepts her father’s vast estate. 

Funded by her newfound fortunes, Lara heads to China to find what her father could not. However, a rival PhD (Walton Goggins) working for a clandestine organization also seeks the catacomb so he can weaponize its mystical powers. 

Too serious, too computerized and too maladroit, this millennial reboot of the once popular video game/film franchise from the 2000s is a realistic origin story that fails to supersede its campy predecessor in almost every aspect. 

Likewise, all fatherless children say their dad vanished while looking for lost treasure.   



Love, Simon 

The good thing about coming-out in high school is everyone all ready calls you gay. 

Unfortunately for the teenage in this dramedy, everyone thinks he’s super-straight. 

Ladies man Simon (Nick Robinson) is actually a closeted senior who is caught having an online same-sex relationship with another student and is extorted by a geek looking to date Simon’s friend (Alexandra Shipp). 

As he goes about introducing his gauche blackmailer to his friends’ circle, Simon also struggles to find a way to tell his parents (Jennifer Garner, Josh Duhamel) of his sexual orientation, and to discover his online pen pal’s true identity. 

While its heart’s in the right place with convincing performances and great insight into the challenges of gay youth, this coming-of-age coming-out comedy based on the YA novel comes off as corny and naïvely optimistic.  

Moreover, if we ban homosexuality in school there would be no more English literature classes.   



The Strangers: Prey at Night 

Nowadays, the only time someone comes to your front door is to steal your Amazon packages. 

However, the trio in this horror movie actually knock-on front doors in order to discover their next victims. 

Cindy (Christina Hendricks) and her husband (Martin Henderson) take one last road trip to their uncle’s trailer home as a send off for their unruly daughter (Bailee Madison) who is being shipped off to boarding school directly after the trip. 

As the family settles in they receive a knock at the door from three masked visitors who proceed to hunt them through the trailer park for kicks. 

While this sequel to the 2008 original is far superior to its predecessor in terms of bloodshed, atmosphere and score, this follow-up fails to expand on the trio’s origins and to avoid slasher movie clichés.     

Lastly, if you don’t want to open your RV door to strangers just drive away.  


Death Wish  

A smart way to engage gang members is to have them protect schools from active shooters. 

Mind you, the vigilante in this action movie would rather just shoot them all. 

When his wife (Elisabeth Shue) is killed in a home invasion, Dr. Kersey (Bruce Willis) expects police to bring the assailants to justice, but is ultimately left unsatisfied. Taking matters into his own hands, the good doctor purchases a firearm and wages a one-man war on Chicago’s criminal element. 

While the city is split on the gunman’s righteousness, Kersey eventually locates those responsible and exacts revenge. 

A neutered, sanitized remake of the gritty, seedy 1974 original, this modernization is more focused on tackling the gun control issue than delivering a worthwhile payback. Worse, it doesn’t even take a side in the discordant debate it gets bogged down in. 

Moreover, everyone knows the answer to gun control is flintlock pistols only. 

He’s Lukewarm and Fuzzy. He’s the… 




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