Steel Panther Want People To Lighten The F&$# Up

Thursday 04th, April 2019 / 12:19
by Johnny Papan

Photo by David Jackson

Who: Steel Panther
Where: Commodore Ballroom
When: April 11, 12 & 13

“I think people need to grow a thicker skin and lighten the fuck up, If you’re offended by something we say then either A, don’t fuckin’ listen to us or B, grow some balls and have a sense of humour.”

Satchel, the band’s animalistic, long-haired, torn shirt wearing guitarist is on his phone within a Las Vegas strip joint, fresh from a lap-dance by a girl named Cinnamon. He claims to have received “special treatment” inside the club bathroom.

“Most people would have to pay for this service, but she gave it to me for free because I’m in Steel Panther,” he says.

Since the release of 2009s Feel the Steel, Steel Panther has seen a slew of both praise and criticism from around the globe. Their ’80s inspired hair-metal sound, influenced by Van Halen, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Motley Crue, Guns N’ Roses and more, showcases musical prowess and catchy songwriting. However, their often X-rated lyrics walk a thin line between humorous and, what some would call offensive and crude.

Despite the band’s dangerously blunt songwriting style, nothing has stopped Steel Panther from selling out shows all over the world. Some people call the band misogynistic, yet their concerts are flooded with enthusiastic female fans.

But the PC police aren’t off the back of this shiny-haired quintet of cock-rockers. Recently, the band’s customized “Pussy Melter” guitar distortion pedal was banned from being sold on Reverb.com, a popular online marketplace for musicians. The band’s response to this is a new pedal, the Poontang Boomerang, named after the track from their 2017 record Lower the Bar. Satchel calls this the “greatest digital delay pedal in the world.” The Poontang Boomerang is currently on pre-order.

“It’s clear that reverb.com are a bunch of pussies,” Satchel says.

Reverb.com is not the only major online company that Satchel is battling. He thinks streaming services like Apple Music and Spotify are slowly killing the music industry, taking away the financial value of being a good artist.

“I think Spotify is great for people who want to get free music and I think it’s going to destroy art and ruin songwriters. Nobody gets paid. The tech companies basically said ‘Fuck you, we’re gonna take your music, we’re gonna bend you over, and we’re gonna put our big, tech cocks in your butthole,’” says Satchel.

“It takes a long time to become a good songwriter but why would you want to do that when you could just go into tech and rip people off and make millions and millions of dollars? If you want to be an artist, do not waste your fucking time, it’s horrible. Unless you join Steel Panther, then you can get a lot of pussy.”

“I think people need to have more of a sense of humour about everything in life because if you don’t have a sense of humour then you’re really gonna be miserable. Not everybody is going to have a six pack of abs, not every girl is going to be as beautiful as…” Satchel ponders for a moment. “Who’s a hot chick? Debbie Harry? I don’t know, she’s kind of old now. Look at it this way, we all have smartphones and we can all access free porn almost anytime. We live in a great time in history right now. You’re probably jackin’ off right now as you’re speaking to me, and it’s cool because I don’t really care. See? I got a sense of humour about it.”

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Alberta

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